Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.
This week we hear from Elaine*, 38, from East Anglia, who is pansexual and married.
Elaine is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. At just 14 she was groomed and raped by a man almost ten years her senior, who she met online. This deeply traumatic experience has had a profound impact on Elaine’s romantic relationships.
‘I thought that sex and love meant the same thing,’ she says. ‘I thought I needed to have sex with people straight away to prove my seriousness about wanting a relationship with them.’
She says she had many one night stands trying to ‘find the one’, and was married for seven years, during which time she had three children, who are now 11, nine and six.
While going through her divorce in 2018, she met her husband, David* who she describes as an ‘amazing man’.
‘He showed me respect, and how amazing, fulling, and special sex can be. When we met, I felt safe again. I felt excited again. Finally, there was no shame in enjoying sex, the thing that almost ruined me.’
Elaine says that with David, she found the right person to be ‘naked and intimate with’ and they recently got married.
But despite this, their sex life is currently ‘non-existent’ and even though Elaine tries to initiate sex, they’ve only done it twice this year.
She assumes David may be struggling to process her past trauma and how it impacts their intimacy – but could he have issues of his own?
‘Some days are harder than others,’ Elaine admits. ‘It’s a frustrating and lonely place to be. It’s also embarrassing and shameful to admit that I want sex, the one thing which almost broke me.
‘I’m still working on getting to a place where sex, and enjoying it, is a healthy thought process.
‘It can leave me feeling very inflicted with my emotions. Shame is a horrible thing to deal with.’
Here’s how Elaine got on this week…
The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.
Monday
Being newlyweds, you’d think we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, but I can’t remember how many weeks or months it’s been since I had sex with my husband.
My partner David is a man who thrives on a strong emotional connection – so he’s satisfied by enjoying meaningful and fun time together outside of the bedroom.
But I need more. I’m so desperate for physical passion right now that I’d f**k him in the freezer aisle on top of the potato waffles – and I wouldn’t even care who was watching.
It’s not just about the sex though, it’s about the connection too. Now, as the weeks have dragged on without sex, desperation and confusion have taken over, so today the demons of past trauma are settling back in.
We went to the pub together tonight. There’s something incredibly sexy about the way he drinks a pint. All hot and bothered under the collar, I initiated oral sex when we got home. He said he was too tired.
Once again, I’ve gone to bed feeling horny and embarrassed.
Tuesday
I’ve noticed a pattern when it comes to the lack of sex in my marriage, and it seems to centre around my hormones (those little f**kers).
I’m just about able to bury my head in the sand for around three weeks until the lack of sex becomes an issue again.
By this point, we usually end up bickering about something minor in which I reveal whatever we’re rowing about is just the tip of the iceberg, and then we come full circle back to this problem.
I usually end up walking out of the room so we don’t argue, he follows me with the aim of resolving things, I shout, he shouts, and I then ugly-cry while trying to hide my snot bubbles.
This is that night. I tell him I feel undesired, which in turn makes me feel unloved, and I usually pin that on my past trauma and unhealthy issues of thinking sex equals love (clearly it doesn’t).
He then explains all the ways in which he loves me and that he does find me attractive.
He promises to ‘do better’ and ‘make time for intimacy’. He says he’ll contact the doctor as he may have a low libido problem.
In fact, he says all the right things, but his actions fall far below par. As some Irish lads sang… It’s only words (Or was that The Bee Gees?).
Tonight, we go to bed together with our backs to each other as usual, except this time he gives me a peck on the forehead. My eyes sting as I try not to cry.
Wednesday
I find it hard to concentrate on driving as I go to work. I have a horrible internal voice which keeps telling me how unloved and undesired I am.
I try to look on the positive side and tell myself that at least my husband isn’t cheating on me. As someone who just about survived a previous marriage to a serial adulterer, I can say with certainty that my husband is faithful.
Perhaps I should get a f**k buddy? No, no… That’s not the answer either.
We spend the day talking our sex issue through via WhatsApp – a frequent pastime, as neither of us can seem to verbalise our issues very well – but it doesn’t help.
I tell him I can’t live like this anymore. It’s too demoralising feeling like I’m begging for sex. I tell him I think it’s best we call time on our sex life. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t handle the rejection.
Because he’s a wonderfully respectful man, he doesn’t argue. He says it’s not what he wants but he respects me so he will do it for me. I wonder why he won’t have sex with me then like I’ve asked?
I spend the day working alone, thank goodness as I look in an absolute state, before I reluctantly make my way home to him and our young children.
I ask him to sleep in another room tonight. He obliges.
I spend until the early hours of the morning Googling ‘sexless marriages’ and adding myself to Facebook groups that promise to teach you how to live without it.
I masturbate as I don’t know what else to do. I feel ashamed.
If you have been sexually assaulted, you can get help here:
If you’ve been sexually assaulted and need help you can contact the following organisations…
- Sexual Violence helpline: 0808 801 0770
- Rape Crisis: 0808 500 2222
- Click here to start an online chat with Rape Crisis
- Galop’s rape and sexual abuse helpline is available from Monday to Thursday, from 10am to 8.30pm, and Friday, from 10am to 4.30pm. This is a helpline exclusively for LGBTQ+ individuals. Contact the Helpline by phone on 0800 999 5428 or via help@galop.org.uk
Thursday
Today, we go on living our lives as if nothing has happened. I wake up, make us a cup of tea, take the kids to school, and then he gives me a hug and quick kiss.
After this, there is a moment around lunchtime, when my eyes are no longer red from crying, where we enjoy a heated snog and grope in the kitchen. But that’s as far as it goes.
I call a close friend and ask if we can meet up for a walk. She knows a little bit about the problem I am having.
Fresh air, a thermos of tea, and a biscuit or two does wonders for the soul. The time gives me some space for good old-fashioned self-deprecation to get out of my head for a bit.
My friend suggests the usual (dress-up, do a striptease, surprise him naked in bed) but she just doesn’t get the extent of this.
Eventually she looks at me and tells me my husband needs to check his testosterone levels. It’s her way of saying she knows this is impacting me more than I am letting on.
I’m grateful my husband is asleep when I get home, as I’m exhausted from the last few restless nights.
Even so, part of me wishes he’d wake up and ravish me until I pass out from multiple orgasms… One can hope.
Friday
I wake up thinking I don’t want to go through a divorce again. My next thought is I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage.
I masturbate in bed next to him while he’s still asleep, trying not to wake him. I need something better than a good morning kiss and bad breath.
I don’t work on Fridays so once the kids are in school, I go for a long drive. I text him and tell him he needs to work with me to fix this or I don’t see a future in our relationship.
The two ticks turn to blue, and I can see he’s typing a reply. I’m relieved when I read that he doesn’t want a divorce either and he also doesn’t want to live in a sexless marriage.
He tells me he’s been struggling with getting an erection for a while now. He thinks he may be suffering from low testosterone. He’s frightened that he’s “less of a man”.
I drive home to talk things through. We decide he’s going to speak with his GP, open and honestly, and see if the problems we are having are related to a physical issue.
We go to bed, both of us emotionally drained and quiet. At 3am, he whispers in my ear “he’s awake” and we have quick but amazing sex that leaves sexy bite marks on my breasts. My heart is full.
What to know about sexual trauma
Psychodynamic trauma-informed therapist, Brenda Evans, tells Metro: ‘Being sexually assaulted in your teens has the potential to fundamentally transform the trajectory of your life.
‘Responses to this abuse are complex and highly individualised depending on the circumstances, environmental conditions, survivor resilience and the availability of specialist support services.’
What can happen as a result of sexual trauma?
‘Childhood trauma is associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, suicidal ideation, substance misuse, eating disorders and a fragile sense of self.
‘Survivors may also experience a lack of sexual desire, relationship difficulties or engage in high-risk sexual behaviours and extreme coping strategies.
‘When a child suffers sexual abuse, sexual arousal becomes activated prematurely and can largely impact the survivor’s sense of autonomy over their own body and sexual sense of self, which means they can associate sex with a range of overwhelming feelings like fear, shame, pain, confusion, revulsion, guilt, loss, anger and/or deeply felt regret and a longing to turn back the clock.
‘It’s hardly surprising that survivors are more vulnerable to difficulties with sexuality, intimate relationships, and trust.’
What is a trigger?
‘A trigger can be anything that sparks a memory of a trauma, or a part of a trauma. When you encounter a trigger, memories and thoughts associated with the trauma come back without warning. This can happen at any point throughout your life.
‘You cannot stop the intrusive thoughts, and in response, feelings, responses, and physical reactions occur. A trigger might make you feel helpless, in a state of panic, unsafe, and overwhelmed with emotion.
‘You might feel the same things that you felt at the time of the trauma, as though you were reliving the event. The mind perceives triggers as a threat and causes a reaction like fear, panic, or agitation. The memory of the traumatic event places you right back into the experience, which causes us to feel the need to protect ourselves.’
‘When unprocessed, trauma-related emotions take over someone’s brain in a triggering situation, they may lose sense of logical reality. They may very briefly forget where they are, who they are with, or what is happening. This can also be called a process of “flashback,” or “emotional flashback.”
‘Emotions feel so intense and endangering to the brain, fight or flight reactions get triggered from within the traumatic memory, and someone who’s “flashing back” may not act in line with the current situation.’
Saturday
It’s the weekend, so he can’t ring the GP, but he does message them through the NHS app with the aim of chatting to someone on Monday.
The kids are with their grandparents for the day, so we go for a walk. I tell him that sex doesn’t always have to be about the orgasm or penetration. He looks at me blankly.
Before meeting my husband, I had a rather more colourful sex life than his smaller pool of experience. I go on to explain to him that sex comes in a variety of formats and pleasure can be had in so many ways.
I’m not good at having these conversations and I get embarrassed easily, but he’s being receptive to what I’m saying.
I tell him how I love it when he plays with my nipples, or kisses me passionately, or lets me give him oral sex without him feeling like he needs to “return the favour”.
He looks at me as if all of his Christmas’s had come at once. Has it been the pressure to “perform” which has been impacting us?
Sunday
While there have been many positive conversations this week, I can’t help but feel a little panicked as I think about when we’ll next be intimate.
We only had sex eight times last year, and maybe around ten times the year before that. Often months have passed, and I think once as many as six.
This morning I’m wondering if my sexual ghosts will ever be put to bed. I hope in time they will be. But whether my husband is able to help me through this remains to be seen.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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